today i want to tear off my eyelids and stare at the sun until my eyes burn out of my skull
i want to scratch concrete with raw fingers until my nails bend back and snap
bloody fingertips gripping ground and still running rivers of blood down pavement to paint pictures of the loss of my patience
i'm spent
but not so much that i won't stretch myself even thinner
make miles of laps from my body for daily toil to tread upon harshly
run the course of my spine like a track meet
pounding out my back and breaking it with each plodding step
stomp me underfoot and facedown in the dirt
i'll sit deep in the earth half buried and not dead just
silent
trying to shroud myself in silence
stop the screaming of my own thoughts
too many to control or even listen to
i'm driving myself out of my own head and looking for vacancy elsewhere
tether a sign to my ear saying:
"Do Not Disturb...
He's Already Fucked Up Enough."
just heed the warning and press on past me
leave not a minute of your day to waste on my ranting
unless you wanted these blood painted fingers digging into the recesses of your soul and finding the light left there so i can darken it
make dim the eyes of those around me if need be
i'll suck the last bit of life from existence itself if it would snuff out the fire burning in the pit of my being
or at least quench the heat just a little bit
i'm burning
writhing in silent agony and smiling like life is a grammy performance
i'm trying to get nominated for best drunken attempt to forget things
let the academy decide if my performance is suitable
i can keep smiling as long as you need me to
faked it this far so i'll just toddle along tapdancing out my aggravation and grinning
smirking
laughing
and stuffing everything i want to scream in the face of the world so deep down inside me that even i can fool myself into thinking
i'm better now
grating at my sanity
peel the skin back and bare raw flesh to the pain just to get past the worst of it
if i could bleed this out it'd be worth spending a day nearly dying
but i can't cut deep enough to find the infection
so i'll continue on screaming from behind this actor's smile
penning poetry into concrete with blood stained fingers
press hard enough to chip the bone
breaking off more of myself into each sentence
ground my fingers to stubs
like patience worn paper thin
i write these words on the scraps of what's left not torn
please, annihilate me
break my body asunder and scatter my thoughts to the far reaches of reality
make waste of the memory of me and let words alone speak in my stead
just destroy me
if only so i simply have to rebuild myself
or cease to exist
give me that option
just please, annihilate me
because i can't do it alone
Monday, February 26, 2007
i don't know
bright eyes and longing stares falling towards the sidewalk
eyes can't stand the strain of contact so they downturn towards feet
hit floor and shatter
smiles have to hide themsleves for fear of comfort
just getting comfortable again in my own skin
used to the lack of yours pressed against it
but it just took one glance and i'm burning again
like your flesh is fire and i need nothing more than to be consumed in you
wrapped in the warmth of that same smiling gaze now twisted
turning in air as it plummets past the patience we've both run out of
in mid air we both sigh averting our eyes as whatever might have been follows suit and strikes sidewalk
i'm shattered
sent sprawling out in a thousand pieces of divided heart and mind
lungful of words choking back screams and holding hand tight over my eyes like my memories of you are too blinding
the sun really is too bright to stare directly into
i tried several times to will myself to just keep your eyes locked in mine but we both stuttered
turned heads and looked away like children
we should've lauged it off
shrugged and smirked, continued our cigarettes and just relaxed
but we couldn't
too uncomfortable in your own skin to even meet my gaze but it doesn't help not to look because everytime i close my eyes i can still feel you
fingers laced between mine and that smiling gaze placed upon me
laughing with my arms around your waist holding you closer
we almost had that, if only for just a moment
then our eyes fell towards the floor again
and that time almost shared shattered
sitting at our feet in pieces, it gave us something to look at
besides what's right in front of us both
but i guess looking back at the broken past is easier than a future that might be hard to glue back together
eyes can't stand the strain of contact so they downturn towards feet
hit floor and shatter
smiles have to hide themsleves for fear of comfort
just getting comfortable again in my own skin
used to the lack of yours pressed against it
but it just took one glance and i'm burning again
like your flesh is fire and i need nothing more than to be consumed in you
wrapped in the warmth of that same smiling gaze now twisted
turning in air as it plummets past the patience we've both run out of
in mid air we both sigh averting our eyes as whatever might have been follows suit and strikes sidewalk
i'm shattered
sent sprawling out in a thousand pieces of divided heart and mind
lungful of words choking back screams and holding hand tight over my eyes like my memories of you are too blinding
the sun really is too bright to stare directly into
i tried several times to will myself to just keep your eyes locked in mine but we both stuttered
turned heads and looked away like children
we should've lauged it off
shrugged and smirked, continued our cigarettes and just relaxed
but we couldn't
too uncomfortable in your own skin to even meet my gaze but it doesn't help not to look because everytime i close my eyes i can still feel you
fingers laced between mine and that smiling gaze placed upon me
laughing with my arms around your waist holding you closer
we almost had that, if only for just a moment
then our eyes fell towards the floor again
and that time almost shared shattered
sitting at our feet in pieces, it gave us something to look at
besides what's right in front of us both
but i guess looking back at the broken past is easier than a future that might be hard to glue back together
waking up drunk after...
this morning i woke up still drunk
after an evening of trying to wrap myself in the night
it was so close, just a matter of mere seconds
but in that span of time preoccupations intervened
probably for the better
but, really just for amusement's sake
see i've spent so much of my time chasing the sunshine at daybreak
i've been burned by the rays, so
now i only come out when the starlit shroud of the evening surrounds me
holding onto the ink black canopy of the midnight sky and smiling
intoxicated on the scent of it
almost like the breeze rolling in off the moonlit tides carries sweeter perfume
and new webs waiting to entangle wait psat every block
last night was a bottle of truth serum
two hours and then some of distraction
a moment of playful bickering between friends
and several sentences of honesty served up straight
this is not some poem of reprehension looking back on my loosened tongue and regretting it
this is just for clarification
i spoke of a time less cluttered
we both spoke of bad timing
without one another's ears close by to be filled
we've spoken of wanting; i don't need to have been near you to know this
and, probably because the same bottle that opened the flood gates of my truth last night still flows through me, i don't need to be with you when the day finally breaks and you blink drowsily at the starting of the sun and...
miss me?
want me?
or just wonder what might have been if the hands of the clock would allow us to just be...
what? together?
doubtful; more like fitfully involved
perpetually intertwined in confusion mixed with the sweetest of wine, words
and exchanged glances
this is not a love poem, because i'm not in love with you
i'm just in "it" with you
the same problem you face each day with, each night we spend together convincing ourselves it's just friendship
and maybe then some...
but nothing more
whatever that means
when you figure it out, keep it a secret
let me slip past the fill line of shot glasses overpoured with honesty
sucking lime slices like they'll keep my lips puckered and shut
no words to flow past them
no sentences to make this any more amusing than it already is
because, for some reason, we find this situation to be funny
when really our fingertips and tongues ache for more than we'll allow ourselves
last night i presented myself as bolder than even i expected
and you, more honest than i recall you ever being
open bottles and emptied glasses bring truth in large doses
drink it back and start speaking a mile a minute
like the faster it gets out the more blurred the lines of understanding are
it didn't work for us last night, though
straddling me, enticing, smiling, laughing
running fingertips down my chest and staring into my eyes, drunk
but yet sober enough to exchange that thought we both had running through our minds
a mile a minute
stop staring at me in such a way that makes me want to let loose more than just my sobriety, please
this game we play isn't killing me, but it's starting to fray the seams of my patience
i keep telling myself the rules have been written and not to stray outside of them
but, one night, regardless of what may lie across state borders waiting for you
i'm going to take what you so badly want to give
and, from that night on, i'm never giving it back
i'll keep that piece of the night behind my smile
waiting for you to steal it back with a kiss
after an evening of trying to wrap myself in the night
it was so close, just a matter of mere seconds
but in that span of time preoccupations intervened
probably for the better
but, really just for amusement's sake
see i've spent so much of my time chasing the sunshine at daybreak
i've been burned by the rays, so
now i only come out when the starlit shroud of the evening surrounds me
holding onto the ink black canopy of the midnight sky and smiling
intoxicated on the scent of it
almost like the breeze rolling in off the moonlit tides carries sweeter perfume
and new webs waiting to entangle wait psat every block
last night was a bottle of truth serum
two hours and then some of distraction
a moment of playful bickering between friends
and several sentences of honesty served up straight
this is not some poem of reprehension looking back on my loosened tongue and regretting it
this is just for clarification
i spoke of a time less cluttered
we both spoke of bad timing
without one another's ears close by to be filled
we've spoken of wanting; i don't need to have been near you to know this
and, probably because the same bottle that opened the flood gates of my truth last night still flows through me, i don't need to be with you when the day finally breaks and you blink drowsily at the starting of the sun and...
miss me?
want me?
or just wonder what might have been if the hands of the clock would allow us to just be...
what? together?
doubtful; more like fitfully involved
perpetually intertwined in confusion mixed with the sweetest of wine, words
and exchanged glances
this is not a love poem, because i'm not in love with you
i'm just in "it" with you
the same problem you face each day with, each night we spend together convincing ourselves it's just friendship
and maybe then some...
but nothing more
whatever that means
when you figure it out, keep it a secret
let me slip past the fill line of shot glasses overpoured with honesty
sucking lime slices like they'll keep my lips puckered and shut
no words to flow past them
no sentences to make this any more amusing than it already is
because, for some reason, we find this situation to be funny
when really our fingertips and tongues ache for more than we'll allow ourselves
last night i presented myself as bolder than even i expected
and you, more honest than i recall you ever being
open bottles and emptied glasses bring truth in large doses
drink it back and start speaking a mile a minute
like the faster it gets out the more blurred the lines of understanding are
it didn't work for us last night, though
straddling me, enticing, smiling, laughing
running fingertips down my chest and staring into my eyes, drunk
but yet sober enough to exchange that thought we both had running through our minds
a mile a minute
stop staring at me in such a way that makes me want to let loose more than just my sobriety, please
this game we play isn't killing me, but it's starting to fray the seams of my patience
i keep telling myself the rules have been written and not to stray outside of them
but, one night, regardless of what may lie across state borders waiting for you
i'm going to take what you so badly want to give
and, from that night on, i'm never giving it back
i'll keep that piece of the night behind my smile
waiting for you to steal it back with a kiss
not sure where all this is coming from...
if i weren't so hurt would i find myself enmeshed in the words catching me falling too fast for thoughts to catch up with
or would i strike ground and shatter
can't be broken when i was never put together from the first day
heart's asunder and there's no glue to mend the pieces
just these pieces mending me
i can't be fixed completely but i can get close enough to smile like i used to
busying hands with pen and pad and computer keyboard
like the more i write the closer i get to being whole again
in that same hole again
falling, tumbling head over feet, falling
not trying to catch hands in the walls to stop myself, i'll plummet faster
let me reach the bottom with fistfuls of poetry so when i strike floor and stop breathing
my voice in words will carry on when there's no breath left in me
but for right now, i'll keep breathing
keep writing
keep falling
keep myself above the ground walking in the clouds and grinning as widely as my psychotic mind will allow
and i'll just keep penning thought to paper like i'll lose em if i don't write them
is this for posterity or poetry?
am i writing these things to be remembered;
or just so i can look back and remember myself on my worst days
when again i fall below the watermark and get stuck in the space between thinking
and accomplishing
when video games and internet porn dominate so much more of my time than
tethering poems to pages with strings bled from the recesses of my heart still shattered
so i've got something to look back on when i find another sunshiny day to dream on
or when nights are filled with the raven-tressed mistresses of my inspiration
and downfall
when simply staring at empty space and smiling stupidly seems activity enough,
will i look back at this blog and be stricken unsilent
be beaten by words penned to keep me writing
because in writing, i find my life and love
as much of both as i can possibly contain inside my chest
plenty of room now since the heart's been crushed to dust
so i'll fill up that space with words, wine and smoke
three impermanents
three formless muses
residing in that empty space where these words once came from
i'll never speak from my heart again, it's too fickle and unsure
these words come from my fingertips which have brought all the joys and pains i've experienced close to me
from my tongue which tends to get me in trouble, but always in the best way
and from my feet, planted firmly right here where i stand speaking from
rooted in the community that spawned me
born again in verse and baptised in bartabs
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