annihilate me please

today i want to tear off my eyelids and stare at the sun until my eyes burn out of my skull
i want to scratch concrete with raw fingers until my nails bend back and snap
bloody fingertips gripping ground and still running rivers of blood down pavement to paint pictures of the loss of my patience
i'm spent
but not so much that i won't stretch myself even thinner
make miles of laps from my body for daily toil to tread upon harshly
run the course of my spine like a track meet
pounding out my back and breaking it with each plodding step
stomp me underfoot and facedown in the dirt
i'll sit deep in the earth half buried and not dead just
silent
trying to shroud myself in silence
stop the screaming of my own thoughts
too many to control or even listen to
i'm driving myself out of my own head and looking for vacancy elsewhere
tether a sign to my ear saying:
"Do Not Disturb...
He's Already Fucked Up Enough."
just heed the warning and press on past me
leave not a minute of your day to waste on my ranting
unless you wanted these blood painted fingers digging into the recesses of your soul and finding the light left there so i can darken it
make dim the eyes of those around me if need be
i'll suck the last bit of life from existence itself if it would snuff out the fire burning in the pit of my being
or at least quench the heat just a little bit
i'm burning
writhing in silent agony and smiling like life is a grammy performance
i'm trying to get nominated for best drunken attempt to forget things
let the academy decide if my performance is suitable
i can keep smiling as long as you need me to
faked it this far so i'll just toddle along tapdancing out my aggravation and grinning
smirking
laughing
and stuffing everything i want to scream in the face of the world so deep down inside me that even i can fool myself into thinking
i'm better now
grating at my sanity
peel the skin back and bare raw flesh to the pain just to get past the worst of it
if i could bleed this out it'd be worth spending a day nearly dying
but i can't cut deep enough to find the infection
so i'll continue on screaming from behind this actor's smile
penning poetry into concrete with blood stained fingers
press hard enough to chip the bone
breaking off more of myself into each sentence
ground my fingers to stubs
like patience worn paper thin
i write these words on the scraps of what's left not torn
please, annihilate me
break my body asunder and scatter my thoughts to the far reaches of reality
make waste of the memory of me and let words alone speak in my stead
just destroy me
if only so i simply have to rebuild myself
or cease to exist
give me that option
just please, annihilate me
because i can't do it alone