contentment's not found at the bottom

I've been drinking a bit too much lately
which means i've also been writing
imbibe enough spirits to numb myself comfortably to not have to feel anymore
and be alright with that
make dead to pain everything but the very tips of my fingers
gripped pens and laptop keys the only stimuli
slightly shaking hands reaching forward to remove more caps from bottles
fill the glass and continue
bartender, just fill my glass so i can continue
trying to stay perpetually unfocused and stumbling
almost off balance with double vision
keeping everything pushed away to the borders of my peripheral
and at farther than arm's length so that i don't have to feel it
or really see it
and i can just continue on numb
too many drinks in dingy bars with crowds of strangers
many more alone in my apartment staring at the computer screen
if blood were wine i'd be forever happy
numb, tucked away somewhere inside the folds of myself
laughing
laughing louder
laughing if at nothing but my own laughter
like the sound alone is enough to crack my face into a smile
too hard lately to do so without reason
painful to contort my face in that manner without first loosening my lips
with drink
welcoming in many spirits while losing grip on my own
just fill up my glass and light me another cigarette
smoke and wine make pleasant friends when the silence on the inside
of your head gets too loud to bear anymore
smoke and wine know how to keep you laughing
know how to keep you smiling
i won't ever forget how to be happy
but it sometimes gets hard to remember to smile
without first loosening lips with drink
so fill me up another glass
light my cigarette
and let's laugh together
smiling
if only to stop feeling another moment